Relationship Advice

Jealousy Forum � Why is my partner so jealous? :: Comparing jealousies: whose situation is 'worse'?

Author: wondering
Subject: Comparing jealousies: whose situation is 'worse'?
Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:51 am (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 0

I am confused, and I need an objective opinion!

This will be very long so please bear with me! I will make every attempt to be accurate and not to embellish one side or the other.

My husband's situation: He has many close friends, including three women whom he happens to have had sex with in one-night-stands 20 or so years ago. Over the four years of our being together, we have seen two of these friends numerous times, in groups to celebrate Christmas or someone's birthday or some such. Everyone always hugs as a greeting, and I have hugged these women and accepted them as friends all this time. However, there are subtle little intimacies I see between my husband and these women that have made me feel uncomfortable and quite left out: for instance, at these gatherings, when someone points a camera at my husband and I, we just stand like we are at the time and smile politely for the picture. By contrast, when a camera is pointed at him while he's standing next to these two women, he immediately reaches out both arms and grabs them around their necks with his elbows, pulling their laughing faces close to his for the picture, with a wide, silly grin on his face. I have borne this without comment time and again (until recently).

During the planning of our wedding two years ago this month, he decided that he wanted one of these women as his 'best man', standing right next to him wearing a tux like his other three attendants. During one phone conversation with her, I heard him laughing about how her tux could be red (as opposed to dove-grey like the others). That made me quite upset; I wondered just whose day they wanted to make this! Why should she stand out among everyone else? He insisted that he wanted her up there, so I figured I needed to put an extra someone on my side if that was going to be the case. My first thought (to make the wedding party even on both sides) was to put my younger brother right next to me. My brother declared with a wink that he would not, though, wear a periwinkle dress like the other bridesmaids! So I said to my husband-to-be, that settles it: we can put my brother on your side in a tux and What's-Her-Name will be on my side in a bridesmaid's dress, if it's so all-fired necessary that she stand with us at the altar. That's how the wedding party ended up being arranged, and the other two of these 'intimate friends' were invited as guests to the nuptials. Then, during my bachelorette party, this would-be 'best-man' came out of the blue, no prior comment made on the subject, to say to me that she and my soon-to-be-husband 'have never had sex'. Wondering why in Hades she would suddenly vomit a lie of that nature out of nowhere, I told her I happened to have been informed otherwise, and the subject was dropped like a scalding pot-handle; it hasn't been spoken of between the two of us since.

I hope these examples give a workable picture of the reasons for my jealousy, which I have worked very diligently over the years to suppress.

Now, to the reason for his jealousy:

My situation: There is a man, a single father, that I dated twice in a 15-year period, with 10 years in the middle when we were with someone else. History: the first time around, we lived across the hall from each other in the same apartment building. I ended our 10-month partnership the minute I caught him walking some other woman out of his apartment at 6:00am one day (I had heard voices in the hallway and noted how early it was ~ who could it be? So I looked out the peephole in the door). After acting all hang-dog when we saw each other in the hallway for about a month, he moved out of the apartment building with his two boys and we went our separate ways. A couple of months later, I began what was to be a 9 1/2-year relationship with a different man. About four or so years into it, I ran into this first guy outside of my place of employment, and made, ultimately, the mistake of telling him that I worked there. He asked no questions about how to contact me, and I forgot him. Then, about a year later, I received a phone call from him at my place of employment. He had put 2 and 2 together and looked me up. He wondered if I was 'still with that guy'. When I told him that I was, he made cheerful small talk for a couple of minutes and then we hung up. I proceeded again to forget him. This scenario ended up repeating itself roughly every year for the next five years, including his tracing me after I had made a change in location with my company. The 5th time he called while I was at work, my answer was no, I'm not with that guy anymore. Well, he was in town and wanted to take me to dinner. I agreed. Following a meal in a nice restaurant, we were back at it like we had been before: 'booty call' partners, not really boyfriend and girlfriend, although we had gone places and done things together as friends. This ended again about 3 months later, and I went on eventually to meet my now-husband.

This gentleman's contact phone number for me the second time around was my parents' home, where I was getting back on my financial feet after the break-up of my 9-year relationship. I ended up learning that this man had called my parents repeatedly (long after I had been back on my own), looking to get in touch with me again, and that my parents always told him, 'leave her alone ~ she's happy.' They never gave me his messages. Then, roughly six months or so ago, a letter arrived in the mail at their house, which they called me to come and get. Seeing the return address, I thought it must be from a girlfriend of mine who had moved to Nevada the previous year, though I wondered how on earth she would have my parents' address. The letter turned out to be from this gentleman, who had tracked down the address using my parents' phone number. He wrote that he had been trying for two years to get in touch with me, and would I please call him at such-and-such number. I called and gave him my cell phone number because I did not want him to keep bothering my parents.

As might be imagined, he has called occasionally and, much to my chagrin, he wants to talk about old times. During a couple of these conversations, he asked me questions like 'what would I have to do to get you to move out here with me?' ('nothing you could do') and made comments like 'I think we were meant to be together' (he bases this on what he feels is the high level of our sexual compatibility) and 'come live with me and I'll help you with your asthma' (which I was having great difficulty with at the time of our conversation). Of course, my husband has wondered who I'm talking to, so I explained the whole situation to him as I am explaining it here, and went on to tell him of the comments this gentleman had made. I am an honest person; I figure, what's to hide? The guy is 1250 miles away fom us, and my husband has, obviously, always been frank about his friendships. Well, now my husband is very angry and jealous (for the first time since we've been together) and is very upset that this old friend and I still communicate, mostly by email now, about mundane subjects such as what's going on with his now-grown boys, etc. (he has remarried, and has a 2-year-old ~ my husband and I, separately and together, remain childless). He is afraid that this man will suddenly show up on our doorstep ~ leaving his wife and kid ~ and wanting to take me from him, and that I just might go.

Nothing could be further from the truth! I've tried to reassure him that I love him and that I love our life together (my husband really is at the absolute 'top of the pile', so to speak, of the men I've been with in my life, sexually and otherwise). I've told him that I will not tell this man my married name (he hasn't asked), or give him our home phone number or any other location-specific information, because I simply do not want this man to find me again without my prior consent! Admittedly, I don't mind having him as a friend; he is a very personable, educated man with a good sense of humor, and I enjoyed his company back in the day. What I would mind doing is compromising my marriage!

So we arrive at my conundrum: Whose jealousy is more 'justified'? Is it 'worse' that I engage in long-distance communication with this former sex partner that I've known for a decade and more, or is it 'worse' that my husband has maintained atypically close relationships with women he says started out (and have stayed) as just friends (as well as their having stayed in town) and just happened to include one-time sexual encounters close to the beginning of their 25+ year friendships? My opinion is that if you have had a sexual encounter with someone, there is a level of intimacy there that would not exist if the friendship had never been consummated, so to speak and, yes, I realize the truth of it on my side as well.

My husband thinks that just because the situations are not exactly alike that they are not anything alike, but I disagree! My reasoning is the fact that this one friend of his, What's-Her-Name, keeps bringing up, in conversation, creative ways to deny (to whom??) that she and my husband have 'boned' in the past, such as gushing to her husband over dinner one time 'how nice it is to have such a good platonic male friend!' (for some reason, this has been kept a strict secret from her husband, even though it happened years before they met). This proves to me that their sexual encounter is frequently on her mind; she's just not as straightforward about it as my gentleman friend. My husband says he's never considered this woman to be 'his type', and that, somehow despite having boinked her, he's never been attracted to her in a sexual way, and that they have never spoken of their encounter like my friend enjoys doing with me about ours (I do not like it the way he does ~ it feels a bit like infidelity to me). But anyway I say, so what?! What is the difference?! That I was attracted to my buck-fuddy in a sexual way? That we 'did it' more than once? We have had no face-to-face contact for the last five years, and my husband has never had to meet or accept this man as his friend, and witness any uncool little intimacies or differences in relating to one another like I have!

It should also be made clear that my gentleman friend firmly denied wanting to get back with me once he knew that I had told my husband what he said, stating that he would be angry as well, were he to be in my husband's 'perceived situation'. I've told him that he would so be a great politician, making all the denials and doing all the backtracking once a spade is called a spade.

It is crystal to me that this man is a womanizing type (unbeknownst to me, he was still with his wife five years ago, but had come back to Colorado with his boys for some reason and had called me. Then he started giving me the cold shoulder after 3 months, and said that 'she' was coming out to Colorado, and it slowly began to dawn on me that he must have been cheating on her with me). That made me feel no better than when I had caught him with someone else: first he cheats on ya, then he cheats with ya.

I've pointed out to my husband: why on God's green Earth would I want a man like that over the real man that I know my husband to be? Somehow I can be friends with this guy, though; I have to admit that his continued pursuit of me is something of an ego-booster, and it has helped me to get over the jealousy I have harbored over my husband's female friends. But man, does my husband ever hate what I feel is simply the shoe now being on the other foot!

Well, many thanks for bearing with me through my short novel! I hope to hear some opinions so that I can either quit feeling like the bad guy here, or understand that my husband's jealousy is more justified than mine is, whatever the case may be!

Relationship Help and Advice Forum :: Has my fiance cheated?

Author: Kollidoscope
Subject: Has my fiance cheated?
Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 12:22 am (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 0

I don't know what has gone wrong in my relationship. It has basically been hell. The last week though has been alot better. It seems as though he has left me for a while and came back, even though he has been there all the time. I want to know if he really is in love with me. I want to know what most women want to know am I the best, his one and only? Does he really only want me and kno one else? What is it how does he really feel? And if he cheated, with who, and why? Sorry to sound so desperate but I am.

Relationship Help and Advice Forum :: RE: The Dark and Seedy underbelly of marital infidelity.

Author: Nani
Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:46 am (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 2

I have an opinion Torquemada!

I don't doubt for a single minute she might be in love for you too and enjoying that relationship you're both having. Probably you gave her the affection and love that was missing in her life and I believe she (like you) may be living an internal rollercoast.

It's always difficult for a woman to divorce and start a new life. When I got divorced it was because I was a victim of domestic violence and there was no triangle in my life. My psychological state wouldn't even allow me to think about anyone else, and, by that time, I was too scared of imagining myself, starting a new life. I was always thinking "what if this happens again? What am I going to do?". For more than a year I thought of leaving, but I never found the courage to do so. Only one day after a violent episode, I finally did it. However, to do so, I've waited for a moment he was not home to pick up my things and leave.

So, my example was just to illustrate this is one of the most difficult steps we'll have to go through, even when there are no kids involved and we are on a position "I don't even care about money, I just want to find my peace".

Now, let's get back to your case. I don't know if she has kids, but if she has, she might be scared of leaving that stability, thinking about them. She may fear their reaction if she decides to divorce their father. She also may have moments of "remorse". Even if her feelings towards her husband eroded completely, deep inside she may think "no matter what I feel about the other person I am involved, I do not have the right to bring unhapiness to my family. Everybody will look at me as the responsible and my children may never forgive me".

It's always difficult, after sharing a home and material things. Walking away from someone who knows us so well, can be painful even if there are no more "love feelings" and if the relationship is merely based on a co-existence. But probably you know it very well as well.

If you're really determined to have her in your life, you must be aware, she needs to find the courage first and getting that strenght that will allow her to move towards you. Maybe you need to have several heart-to-heart conversations, examining all angles. Depending on her background, she may also have to find a third party support: a relative, a close friend, a therapist, a lawyer, etc. But the most important of it all, is that she needs to see in you, the person she wants to be with, to love, to share and to cherish. If you can transmit her all that love, support and stability, you'll both be able to overcome all the obstacles she will have to go through and maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel, for you.

Please forgive my broken English because I'm not a native English speaker.

I wish you all the best.

Relationship Help and Advice Forum :: RE: Distant relationship vs Parents

Author: Alyssa K.
Subject: Thnks
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:40 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 2

Thnk u a lot Torquemada,i really appreciate it . Good luck with urself too

Girlfriend Problems Forum :: WOW OMG IM annoyed (word changed by monitor)

Author: Smar
Subject: WOW OMG IM annoyed (word changed by monitor)
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:32 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 0

Ok i may need a woman's help here. Okay im very young but old enough to date..basically im in highschool. Okay so like my girlfriend and i have dated for a year and I'll be graduating next year and im sure i love her and im sure she loves me...but i dont feel loved by her. Basically i buy her stuff take her out to dinner...we text non stop ya know..always around each other. But we fight A LOT because basically every convo we have is about HER and i hate that i never get compliments but i tell her she's beautiful and explain everything i like/love about her...but she never tells me...she just replies by saying OMG i love you so much. Enough is enough ya know. Some ppl might read this and ask why im dating her but i really do love her i just wanna feel her love so damn bad and i want one of our convos to be about me and not about her for once. I seriously dont get it. I just told her today why we always talk bout her and shes like shut up we talk bout u too. but we never do and this went on for a good two hours of texting. She is basically selfish and i hate how everything is about her. I know she is a female and that's how things should be but wheres the damn love for me:(. Any ideas on what i should do? I never get asked what im doin or how im doin or how my day is goin...but she always wants to talk to me cuz i protect her and stuff ya know. I treat her so good u have no idea. And she probably would do anything for me...but i have to ask her to do it. I hate having to ask her to talk about me for once.

note from monitor: all bad language had been deleted

Relationship Help and Advice Forum :: RE: The Dark and Seedy underbelly of marital infidelity.

Author: Torquemada
Subject: COME ON
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:33 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 2

Someone must have an opinion!!!!!

Relationship Help and Advice Forum :: RE: Distant relationship vs Parents

Author: Torquemada
Subject: First Year?
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 9:32 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 2

Your first year of college. I know this sounds too sensible but you should really concentrate on this. The stress of arguing with your family over a long distance relationship is just not worth at the moment. Yes, if you were ready to go out in life on your own maybe... but not now. I am sure he believes he can have you move in and everything will be great but he can't. It's too soon. You need to know who you are and what your going to do with your life before you can make such a serious decision.

Read my post and you might understand what it is to start a serious relationship when you are young. I was 22 (just turned 22) when my first daughter was born. Now I am all over the place and I am only 29 facing starting out in life all over again.....Think carefully.

If you have a college degree and a career plan then your love life will blossom as you will be able to seriously think about starting a future with someone.

Jealousy Forum � Why is my partner so jealous? :: jelous ex driving me mad

Author: jexy
Subject: jelous ex driving me mad
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:06 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 0

hi all. i have a really jelous ex hes jel over everything i do. when we lived together he was at his worst. he would follow me to the corner shop he would lock me in the house so i couldnt go anywhere because he thought i was gonna cheat. he got jel if i talked to a lad i new. he was jel over my mates if they ever ask me to go shopping or what ever. he even got jel over the things i wore if i went out drinking. he wanted me to wear something that coverd me up toltally. when ever i asked him what it was all about he said that its because were ever i go i get attention. he blamed me if a lad looked at me in the street or when ever we went out for a drink and i used to have a laugh by getting up on the poles like girls do just for a laugh but i always faced him while i was doing it. u may aswell say show off in front of him thinking he would like it but alls i got was that i was a slut blah blah. now were not even together he demands to no were i am all the time. but i tell him coz i still love him and want to get back with him. but hes driving me mad he doesnt trust me or believe a word i say. he says he loves me and is only like that coz he cant believe that someone like me wolud be interested in him. but hes pushing me away by what hes doing. does anyone have any advice please?

Relationship Help and Advice Forum :: Distant relationship vs Parents

Author: Alyssa K.
Subject: Distant relationship vs Parents
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:45 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 2

Hi there. Im new here so ive been looking a web site for solving relationship problems n i found this perfect
Ok so its like this. By the way i never did this be4 so it looks kinda strange area for me . Im from Macedonia ( i bet u dont know where is it - its a tiny republic near Greece). We aint that old fashioned but i guess some ppl remain like that way
Im in first grade in college n everything was fine till i met a guy 5 months ago. God da*n it he is soo perfect u cant imagine. He does a bunch of things that make me feel like a queen, n when we r together we act like stupid, do funny things n stuff like that. Simply a perfect couple. He comes from the neighbor state ( u maybe heard it Kosovo). The fact is that my parents didn't know that i was dating him. till one day ma bro found out about our relationship n they were all pissed off. it happened like a week ago. So they r angry with me cuz i date a guy far away from ma hometown n i guess they r worried that they will not see me as often as they imagined, plus they hate Kosovars - so did I, till i found this cute thing (i got to admit that we r a very connected family- so i guess their reaction is reasonable). So that night ma dad found out ,he was like u got to chose either family or him guess what i choose? i chose him SO from that day they treat me like ive killed someone, i stay alone, none of them talks to me, ok just ma mum but all she is saying is " common brake up with him" . on the other hand ma man said that hell be there if i need him , n if they treat me bad i could go n live with him ( im not sure if he really meant it but at least he said so). so i guess im grounded too so nothing from the vocation trip i planed with ma cousin. The thing that worries me is that should i risk ma family relationship for this guy or not cuz he sometimes seems not serious n lil bit playa like he went on summer vocation n he doesn't seem to care for me , he didn't eve txt me or call me :S So what do u advice me? n wha should i do with my parents? i know this story sounds a bit boring but i would appreciate ur help. Thank youu a lot

Boyfriend Problems Forum :: please help me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author: jexy
Subject: please help me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:41 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 0

hi my names kate. im 20 years old. and i single mother. i having problems with my ex. we broke up in feb over something stupied but he didnt want to get back with me. but every week or so he changed his mind about us getting back together because of some thing that happened a year ago. i got sick of him changing his mind so i told him to move on because i was gonna do the same. so we tryed to move on he met someone else but was only with her 4 2 months he ended it with her because he still loved me and i felt the same about him. so we got talking about getting back together. but yesterday he found out that the girl he was with for 2 months is pregant and its his. it broke my heart to hear that now i dont no what to do because iv lost 3 of his babys and it still hunts me. we love each other but iv put us getting back on hold for the time being. he begs me to give us another try but i dont no what to do. all the time we tryed for a baby and every time we failed. its killing me knowing hes gonna be a father soon and it should be me having his first kid not her. Can someone please help me. if i get back with him its gonna rip me apart wacthing him with some other womans baby. i just want to no does anyone have any advice for me please help. Should i get back with him and try and see if things will work out ? or should i cut all ties and move on?

Breaking-up a realtionship Forum :: Im a bad man, but what do i do....anyone??

Author: chowmein
Subject: Im a bad man, but what do i do....anyone??
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:31 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 0

Right, i know some (most probably all) will read this and think im a piece of (word deleted) but i do need
some help and advice.

Been with my girlfriend for over 3 years - thought she was the one etc. I know she's obviously not cause i had sexual
relationships with several other women.

Now about 6 months ago started seeing this girl, she had a boyfriend and i was still in my relationship.
We obviously liked each other but nothing physical actually happened. Then She said she's breaking up with her
boyfriend as she was having troubles. So about 2 months ago she broke up with him and me being an idiot
i said i'd broken up with my partner. So our "thing" got physical. We got really close speaking everyday etc.

About 2 months ago she went on holiday with her "mum", but accidentally i came across some of her
holiday pic's and saw pics oh her on holi with her "ex".

Didnt say anything as i knew i was doing the same thing. Month later i went away with my GF
but told her i went away with friends. Now i really like her and want a future with her
but ever since iv been back (well for the past few days" things have felt different between us
slightly distant - As i said i really do like her and want something to happen
but what do i do? can i trust her?....

Relationship Help and Advice Forum :: RE: PLEASE HELP ME!

Author: Torquemada
Subject: Jealousy is Fueled by deep intuition
Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 11:24 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 1

You are not paranoid. Your intuition is telling you that if he can behave like this then someday he will be tempted perhaps whilst drunk. It will happen. So you need to ask yourself, do you like the person you are when faced with this situation? Do you like being a nag? Do you like being made feel like your paranoid and a jealous psycho? Your not a psycho but this situation is making you behave and feel like one. When you are in the right relationship you should feel secure and happy. Yes, a little bit of jealousy is actually healthy in-terms of I saw a girl checking you out...etc but you should both be able to laugh about it and you neither of you should ever feel like the other could act on a flirtatious behavior from another woman/man. My advice..... when you meet the right person you will not appear to them or yourself as a jealous psycho..... Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but in my opinion.... it's the truth. Good luck.

Relationship Help and Advice Forum :: RE: wedding woes

Author: Torquemada
Subject: No way!!!
Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 11:15 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 1

No you are not blowing everything out of proportion. If I was truly in love and wanted to get married I would be proud of my partner and want everyone to know. This, to be honest, is weird. I think alarm bells should be going off for you. I know love can be blind, I myself have fallen victim to rose tinted glasses and I know that you should listen to anyone who tells you this is wrong. I didn't listen and it has now cost me dearly. In both heart ache and finances.

Relationship Help and Advice Forum :: The Dark and Seedy underbelly of marital infidelity.

Author: Torquemada
Subject: The Dark and Seedy underbelly of marital infidelity.
Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:36 pm (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 2

It appears to me that there is a growing trend towards individualism as opposed to regarding ones self as part of a family unit working together for the greater good. In a populous interested only in self satisfaction what we perceive as immoral behaviour has become the norm. Perhaps we are revolting against our inherent need to choose a partner in life with whom we can achieve the social goals we perceive to be necessary to be regarded as successful. Do I, as an individual guilty of both following the idealistic path in life and also indulging in self satisfaction, know what is the correct way to behave? Unfortunately no.

I found myself in the difficult scenario of having achieved, over a ten year period, the fundamentals of the traditional family make-up. I stringently created a home and family based on the moral judgments I believed necessary to be compatible with this way of life. After many years of difficulty coping with a reluctant partner (wife) I resigned myself to working for the family unit as opposed to the individual needs of both myself and my wife. Actually, I contradict myself, I tried hard to also meet the individual needs of my wife in order to maintain the family unit. I did however completely ignore my own need for self satisfaction. In-terms of sexuality, affection and a peaceful existence I denied myself, regarding these aspects of life as luxuries only granted to the few who truly find "love", whatever the definition of "love" is, in their lives. As my wife gradually became more disillusioned with the ideals of the family unit I became more desperate to try hold it together. To my peril, this was counter productive. As I became more aware of the deteriorating farce I called a marriage I became more dysfunctional as a husband and gradually less motivated. I started to have a defeatist attitude and constantly questioned my self-worth and therefore probably made myself less attractive as a husband. After many months of suspicion I discovered my wife was having an affair. The moral high ground was there for the taking. I basked in the glorious & heavenly righteousness of being the "innocent" party whilst this sordid affair was flourishing. I managed, through perseverance, to bring our relationship back of from the brink of complete and utter dissolvement. This was a mistake.

As time past, predictably, my wife once again started to distance herself from me. She and basically lived life as a single person. As long as I was still in my family comfort zone and the outside world believed there was no problem, I was happy. I would however observe the behaviour and lives of others with wonder and awe. "Perhaps, just perhaps, true love really does exist", I would ask myself. My longing for affection grew to a point where I read to deeply into any attention I was shown by anyone of the fairer sex.

Then the unimaginable happened. I came across someone that I believed was everything I had always looked for in a woman. Beauty, intelligence, kindness and a talent for music which I almost envied. Although, most of these qualities were presumptions I enjoyed fantasising about life with this woman. Unbecoming to my personality and totally at odds with my usual moral judgment I made my thoughts known to this woman who I believed to be the personification of perfection. Truly expecting no reciprocation I was astonished that she responded to my advance. The complicating factor in this is that it soon became apparent that she was also married. Her motivations for allowing my advances are to this day a mystery to me. Obviously we have at length discussed the reasons but without a satisfactory conclusion. Perhaps the reasons are not particularly clear to her. What started as a fantasy has now become a fully fledged affair. During the very early days of our surreptitious meetings my wife decided to finally close the chapter on our marriage. We are now going through a lengthy battle over the details of our separation as neither of us wants to leave our three beautiful children.

I turn now to the difficulties I now face with the woman I feel great passion for. The cliche of the third party to a marriage is reigning true. As mentioned earlier I believe society has created such emphasis on the traditional "life goals" that the individual feels like a failure if they do not achieve these or are intimidated by the idea of behaving in manner that may be at odds with achieving these objectives. Maybe I am looking in vain for a justification for her reluctance to leave her stable life for what would be quite an emotional journey fraught with difficulties. Or maybe she feels very little for me and her husband. I know the usually opinion most people have of these situations is black and white. �She will never leave� or �Tell her that if she leaves to contact you then� and so on and so forth. However I have tried to say goodbye many times and just can�t do it. She also seems reluctant to say goodbye also. We both know the correct thing to do is to stop. But I feel that she is not allowing herself to develop her feelings towards me because she is in fear of leaving a stable life for the unknown. Maybe I am deluding myself, but this is what I feel is the case. HONESTY: For the first time in my life I could really see myself enjoying life with all it�s ups and downs with someone. She is actually, imperfections included, exactly what I want. I am a fool for love, but I would rather be a fool then live in the doldrums of the idealistic delusions society inflict upon us all.

Please advise!!!!!

Please take note before you respond that I am aware that there are easier options and there are �plenty of fish in the sea that are single� etc., but I have tried to distract myself and show interest in others but unfortunately for me cannot. I think she maybe be my soul mate.

Relationship Help and Advice Forum :: wedding woes

Author: AkHeather
Subject: wedding woes
Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 9:14 am (GMT 1)
Topic Replies: 1

we've been living together for over a year, been together about 5 ...Dec 07 he proposed, sweet right? excited i told all my family and raved about how much i love him well to keep it short it took him three months after to tell his family, even tho they had asked he denied it till i told him id tell them if he didnt, i couldnt come up with a reason besides his 6 sisters dont approve of us... We fought about that during the three months it took him to tell them... So then it came to setting a date after both of our families now knew, yet he wouldnt set a date saying he didnt know if he could get time off so instead we were going to go to the court house and sign the papers, but then i decided i'd like to go to vegas and have a wedding for under 2,000 with just me and him and another couple that price included everything pics, food, rentals, hotel everything... he refuses to do it saying he just wants to sign the papers now and then later have a wedding... his excuse is we cant afford it which is totally untrue he easily spends 500 bucks a week on gambling alone.... I think it has to do with telling his family again,but i may be wrong... we've already got the rings and he is already wearing his, and tells everyone he works with we are already married, but still referred to me as his girlfriend to our friends and family back home......Am I wrong for thinking that just signing the paper and not actually saying i do means less....I feel wrong but i wanna tell him that i'd rather just wait till he feels we can afford a wedding to be married, or am i blowing everything out of proportion..Help this whole situation has made me insecure and moody all the time...