I guess you could tack this onto my last post but it feels like a different topic completely.

I'm scared to death right now.

I've had on going problems in my relationship for quite a while now. I think things are better, but I haven't lived with my fiance since we got back together. He'll be here in less than a month and we'll be tied to a 1 yr lease...

When he broke up with me I moved as far away as I could. Not terribly far, but I put a few states between us. I was completely heart broken at first, I thought my life was over, etc etc, normal break up stuff. But after I got settled into my new life style I was happy and felt liberated. I felt free and better than I have in years. I was content not having him in my life.

Right now I can't remember why I went back to him. I'm not saying I cant appreciate the good things about him, but right now the negative are overwhelming.

This time last year we moved into our first apartment together. We had been living with his family for a couple of years before that. Less than three months after moving in he broke up with me and kicked me out. I was on the lease (luckily the complex understood and took me off) and I had spent all of my savings between the deposit and buying everything we needed.

When he kicked me out I had $12, my clothes and my car.

Had that been it I would have still been winehoused, but it wouldn’t have hurt nearly as much. I had a flight to leave three days after what would have been our fourth year anniversary. Before I left, I found out that he moved another girl into the apartment ON what should have been our anniversary.

He later explained that he was in fact attempting to replace me with her. The last time we had spoken before I left I told him that I was leaving and he’d never be able to find me. He had no idea where I was going and I had blocked all forms of communication. This was after waiting a pain filled two weeks for him to come back around...instead he’d spent his time with another girl.

Who knows how we made up after that. It took months. Maybe its just the comfort. I know he’d support me no matter what and if anything ever happened he’d be the first (if not only) person by my side.

Now he’ll be here in 25 days and I’m being plagued by “if”s. What if everything is exactly as it was before? What if he finds another girl?

When he broke up with me before, originally he wanted me to stay as his room mate. He couldn’t afford the apartment and all on his own. When I told him I wasn’t willing to pay for it anymore, that’s when he kicked me out. His credit is horrible now because he was late on so many bills. What if he’s waiting for me to get tied to a lease with bills that I can’t get out of just to spite me?

What if he does the exact same thing he did before?

I want to talk to him about these fears but it’ll make things worse. I know he is feeling extremely insecure right now, he’s giving up his entire life to move and be with me where I am now. That should be enough to convince me he wouldn’t do it again, but it just isn’t working.