Hi,

I broke up with my girlfriend of two years after I went on holiday and I started to fall for another girl. I'd never been in a situation like this before where I had such strong feeling for two people, and upon getting home I hesitated to cut contact with this girl at my girlfriends request. This resulted in our breaking up. It was sudden, very sudden, I didn't know how to react so I just went with the flow for a bit. Me and the Ex didn't talk, if we had I feel we would have worked things out, we both had people giving us conflicting advice, rather we should have got together and worked things out ourselves.

After a little while the pain set in, but my Ex was still understandably mad, I still had contact with the girl from the holiday and we decided that I would go back to visit her, whether it would just be as friends or whatever we would decide at a latter time.

Things took a turn for the worse, I realised how much I missed my Ex, we had a very good relationship and I started to feel empty without her. We never argued for what, more than afternoon, we had so much in common, it was just a really good realtionship. I felt I had to try, and still feel, we have to work thigns out.

It was obviously tough after having little contact with the Ex for a couple of months, but we arranged for her to come to my hosue to pick something up and have a chat. Seeing her wasn't so hard, I felt if we could talk things through, I didn't expect it to be an easy fix after a little talk, but maybes go towards mending our relationship. Maybes it did because I told her how I feel about her, and that the realtionship broke from lack of communication even though I take full responsibility for my actions with the other girl. She seemed to agree, but told me she has moved on and has new boyfriend. This was very shocking for me, as we were best friends before dating for a few months as she is very shy about relationships etc.

Now I just don't know what to do, it's not getting any easier. I want to do the right thing so I was always open with this girl I met on holiday, we agreed it was best if I didn't come. It wasnt right me going to see her when i still had such strong feelings for my Ex, and if my Ex was ever going to bleieve how much I want her back, playing both sides of the field would seem underhanded.

It's a confusing situation, I really don't want to hurt my Ex ever again, I want to do the right thing, and I have said I will obviously respect her new relationship and I have wished her luck with it. But deep down I feel there is somthing there we need to get back. She says she forgives me, and has moved on, but when she said this to me, I didn't feel she was looking me in the eye. Like I say I think there are difinitley alot of feelings under the surface, but wit her in this new realtionship it prevents us from venting them fully. I have had other signs she has forgiven me aswell, a few days ago she initated a conversation with me online for the first since the break up. And we still get on very well, but again there always seems to be something in the back of our minds we would rather say, or atleast there is on my end.

I'm just really conflicted atm, I recongnise all my past mistakes and I'm scared trying to get back with her is the wrong course of action, not because I think it is out of jealousy, or guilt anything like that. It's not even that I am scared i will hurt her again once we are in the relaitionship, because I promise myself I wont make any of teh same mistakes twice. It's more that I will hurt her in the mean time, the more I push to get her back, the more she will remember the past pains, and since she is in a new relationship i know it might be very confusing for her, and I don't wish that on anyone, it's not easy.

Sometime I think I should let her go. But I love her so I can't do it completly. I don't know what to do. Do I just try my hardest to be a good friend to her, let her try at her new relationship and see if I get another chance. Or do I try speaking to her? It's seems we've had a few chats were it's lead to a heartfelt apology by me, and us agreeing to be friends, then her thanking me for the apology and saying she will always remember the good times. It's like we have had on 2 or 3 occasions with a final goodbye, but I don't know about her but i still am findng it so hard to move on. I don't know if I'm dillusional, and she may be entirley over me, I don't know. But I find that thought so scarey , I know my actions and inactions are what lead to a break up, I am 99% respoinsible for the break up, but I know I never stopped loving her, i was just caught up in my mistakes. But the thought even after how good our realtionship was, afetr how close we were that she can move on so fast terrifys me. It's been what 4 months, or is that not fast at all.

My feelings have become so cyclical, the only constant beign that I still love her, and I find that has made it hard to judge from her perspective. I have a had a few signs she still cares for me, and I don't mean to undermine her new realtionship but the speed she went into it suggests a rebound. I don't mean to judge, but I am just trying my hardest to rationalize what I need to be doing. But somethings about her just seem "off" As i mentoned she has always been very shy about realtionships etc, especially public displays of affection, we were always very passionate when alone, but she would never really want to kiss me in public without me asking (I'm not a big fan anyway so it wasn't a problem) and this may seems trivial but she posted something on facebook, it was soemthing about her new boyfriend had came up near where she lives and they spent the day together and she called him "darling." Again this might sound trivial, but in our 2 year realtionship, she never would use terms like that or post on facebook, she was always shy about that sort of thing and commented how calling people like "babe or darling etc etc" sound silly and impersonal.

Right I'm starting ramble now so I'll wrap things up, thanks for reading up to this point. I hope this doesnt make me out to be a jerk, I'm really just struggling with this and want to get everything off my chest. I've already had the "You blew it move on advice," sometimes I still worry I deserve to be a alone, right now I am. But I also believe that people make mistakes and in second chances. I'm trying my very hardest to make things right. We never had any major hiccups in our realtionship before, I know couples who break up frequently, it's not particualrly healthy but end of the day both partners really love eacother. I'm not convinced this realtionship doesn't deserve another chance. It was good the first time around, I like to think I've done some growing up, there's still some left to do no doubt :-P But I've learned a lot form this so it can be better second time around.

So, any advice, regarding how I can work towards getting another shot? Or if you think it will be a long ride, and that I just need to move on and see if I get another chance further down the line, how do I cope with the regret and loss. Atm it is not so bad, but soon I will be starting university and I will probably see them together, it will be hard I know that.

Thanks again for reading my ramblings, and in advance for any advice.