Hi.
I've been seeing this man for 3 months, we're both in our early 30's. I was warned by a mutual friend before we started dating that he was a commitment-phobe, but I decided that not to judge and cautiously took a chance.

The last 3 months have been amazing, I can't remember the last time I felt this way about someone and felt like they were feeling the same. He gave me no indication that he wasn't happy with the way things were and I was careful not to put too much pressure on him.

At the weekend, he changed his plans so he could see me, I didn't ask him to, but our lives are both pretty busy, and the fact that I have my own life and I wasn't depending solely on him to have a good time was one of the things he said he liked about me. Saturday night and Sunday morning were great, he was being his usual tactile and attentive self and we were even making plans for the following weekend.

Then, last night he told me that he couldn't commit, he said he'd been thinking about where we were and he feared that if we were to continue, he would slip into his usual relationship pattern of shutting people out and taking them for granted. He admits that he wishes he didn't feel this way as he loves spending time with me. He also admits that it's totally messed up feeling this way but part of the reason for ending it between us was that it was going so well and it scared him.

Please help me to understand and to figure out where I go from here. I'm totally devestated and I really did not see this coming. My instinct is to try and talk to him, to find out what he means by this word 'commitment' and why he's so afraid of it. I miss him like crazy and I want to get through this. At the time, I could feel myself getting upset, so I left without finishing the conversation. I want nothing more than to sort his out.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I would really appreciate your thoughts and advise.

K.

to me he is saying that he is afraid of hurting you because he thinks he will fall into old habits.
i am dealing with a girl in a very similar situation so maybe you can get an idea of what to do from my situation.

this girl wanted to break up with me, yet she still loved me. why you ask? because she is "afraid of hurting me"
it had to dig deeper to find out what was going on and i found out she is just scared. her ex used to beat her and she is afraid ill do the same. it took alot of reasuring but eventually she came around and was fine and happy.

so if i were you i would do some digging. find out what he wants from you and what he is afraid of exactly.

It might be that he really doesn't want to hurt you or it could be that he is scared of you hurting him! If he had just one bad experience and got hurt. It's most likely that he won't even give a someone a chance to hurt him again and how? If he continued with you and everything was good for months the feelings he has for you will grow and like the saying says "The bigger the are the harder they fall" for some reason you guys break up he will feel like he got stab a million of times. Man doesn't show their feelings like women do but inside of us we feel the same.